you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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