god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
