i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
