I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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