I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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