one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
