How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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