so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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