my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
