Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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