Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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