When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
