Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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