Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
