you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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