I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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