She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
