Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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