This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
