You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
