Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
