Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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