Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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