the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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