my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
