I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
