ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
be right there i have to get my cape
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
