i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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