I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
