I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
