is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
