How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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