Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
