i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
