I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
