dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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