Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
