i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
