There was a lot of him and a little penis
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
