omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
