pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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