I wish my penis had an off switch
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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