If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
