What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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