he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
