Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
