Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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