I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
