I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
