Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
